Hypothetical Suicides and other stories
by bluebottlebutterfly
Summary: Assorted MWPP notepassing…basically a home for parts of stories that will never be.
1. Hypothetical Suicides

**Hypothetical Suicides**

**_and other stories_**

**Summary:** Assorted MWPP notepassing…basically a home for parts of stories that will never be.

**Notes**: Basically what the summary says: I had way too many notepassing documents, I was never going to finish them, I decided to just put them together for your perusal. There's no continuity; they're just random moments in time. You don't need to have read anything by me to understand it, but if you have there are a couple little inside jokes in there.

Usual rules apply: Sirius writes in bold, Remus in bold italics, Peter in italics, and James in plain typeface.

I am a review whore and this is my corner…and you look awfully lonely.

Ah, yes, and I stole a couple of Buffy quotes, which, of course, belong to the mind of Joss Whedon and his associates. Go ahead and spot them, I forgot where I put them and am much too lazy to go find them now.

-----------------------------------------

**_i. Hypothetical Suicides_**

I have nothing to live for.

**Stop being melodramatic. You're going to get over this.**

No. No, I'm not. Evans has torn my heart from my chest and done the Bunny Hop on it. My heart has been Bunny Hopped on. One does not get over that.

**A fair point. So, which method of suicide are we contemplating this time?**

I'm thinking your standard sleeping-drought-in-the-bathtub. Might add some rose petals and candles, you know, for that aspect of romantic irony.

**Sounds good. Anything I can help with?**

****

**_Don't encourage him, Padfoot._**

**Don't patronize him, Moony. Prongs is in pain, can't you see that?**

The pain is radiating off me in waves; I don't understand how anyone couldn't see it.

**Sure, I see it and I'm very sorry you feel this way, Prongs. I just don't see how offering to help him kill himself is the best way to handle it. **

There is nothing left for you to help with, Moony. My life is over. I just want the pain to end.

**He just wants the pain to end, Moony. Who are you to disrespect his wishes?**

**_I'm reasonable! Wormtail, surely you support me on this?_**

_Actually, I think James should be allowed to do what he wants. It's his life._

You're a good man, Wormtail. I'll be leaving you a sizeable chunk of my estate.

_Can I have your watch?_

Of course you can, Wormtail.

**_Am I the only one who sees a problem with letting my best friend die?_**

**Oh, come on, Moony. Don't take everything so seriously; James isn't going to kill himself. Sure, he'll go up to our room and make us bring him cake while he turns all the lights off and cries. At most he'll get a little dehydrated, vomit a bit, bruise his shin when he invariably runs into something, but he won't kill himself.**

Are you saying my feelings aren't real?

**Oh, I didn't say that. I said you cry, didn't I?**

Fine. Fine. Mock me all you want. We'll see who's crying alone in his room when I donate all my Quidditch paraphernalia to a museum in Nova Scotia.

----------------------------------

**_ii. Repeated Line_**

Hello, my name is James, and this is my lovely girlfriend, Lily.

**I swear to God, Prongs, if you say or write that one more time I will feed you to Moony.**

Moony wouldn't eat me.

**_Moony's tempted._**

-------------------------------

**_iii. Inappropriate Classroom Conduct_**

**Will you stop feeling your girlfriend up under the desk? This essay is turning out very well and I don't want to spew cereal on it.**

No. No, I will not.

**You repulse me. Do you do this during Prefect meetings?**

Yes, actually.

-----------------------------

**_iv. Medical Aspirations and Hurt Feelings_**

_You've yawned thirty-four times in the past two minutes._

**I'm a compulsive yawner; I yawn if I sit still for more than thirty seconds.**

_You should probably look into that. You might have dry corneas. Or overactive tear ducts._

**What?**

_Well, when you yawn you're replacing moisture in your eyes. That you yawn so much suggests you've got something wrong with your eyes_.

**Where do you get all this from? **

_I read._

**You read what?**

_Medical books._

**Why? Moreover, when? I've never seen you with so much as a comic strip in your hand.**

_Thinking about becoming a Healer. _

**Yeah, I'm sure you'll be head of the hospital staff in no time, what with all your tear duck knowledge.**

_Tear ducts, you stupid berk. _

**Ah, but your bedside manner needs work. **

_You'd better hope you become a very healthy adult, Padfoot, or I might accidentally poison you._

**Why would I have to be unhealthy for you to poison me?**

_What d'you mean?_

**Well, you could poison me right now if you wanted to. Put it in a drink or something. **

_And I could do that right now and you would take it?_

**Well, actually, now that we've had this conversation, no. However, if you were a Healer and I was sick, you could just neglect me until my injuries/illness became so serious that I died from complications or I starved to death. **

_Would it be morbid to say that I am greatly cheered up by this?_

****

**_What's morbid is that you and Sirius are planning his death. _**

**You take things much too literally, Moony. This is all purely hypothetical.**

_Oh, is it?_

**…I hope you're trying to be funny**.

_Don't you always say that I'm not very good at being funny? In fact, didn't you just say that yesterday?_

**_Actually, his exact words were 'compared to me, you are a painfully dull little boy with prematurely thinning hair'._**

**That is no reason to kill me!**

_Severe emotional distress._

**I think I speak for all of us when I say 'huh'?**

****

**_I think you're speaking for yourself. I know what he's talking about._**

_It's a defense for murder._

**What is?**

_Severe emotional distress, you tosser. I could argue that your constant teasing has caused the warption of my mind and, as such, I am not responsible for my actions towards you, in this case, killing you._

**_A capital defense, Peter, except for the fact that 'warption' isn't a word._**

**What the hell have you been reading? I am seriously worried about you.**

**_Me?_**

**Please, I couldn't control your reading material if I tried. You'd unleash some of that preternatural werewolf strength on me if I laid a hand on one of your precious books. Besides, I'm past caring about your corruption.**

**_And for a second there I thought you were showing compassion. _**

****

**You're just bitter because I'm taking more of an interest in Peter than you at this moment.**

**_No, I'm quite used to it._**

**What does that mean?**

****

**_Motion for a change of subject._**

_Second._

**I vote 'nay'. What does that mean, Moony?**

****

**_Nothing. Ignore it._**

**Um, hello, it's me you're talking to. I don't ignore things. I keep at them until they explode. Come on, Moony. Explode.**

****

**_I hope you don't mean that literally, because I'm sure it would be very unpleasant. Especially for you, seeing as how you're in such close proximity to me. Not to mention the fact that I'm not quite sure I could spontaneously combust just because you told me to._**

**Well, you couldn't.**

**_I said I wasn't 'quite sure'. I didn't say it was definite. There's a possibility I could, if I tried._**

**It's a physical impossibility. You couldn't 'spontaneously combust just because I told you to'. Well, okay, maybe 'physical impossibility' was too strong. Oxymoron, then.**

**_Mind cluing us lowly peons in on your mindless babbling?_**

****

**Certainly: your phrase, Remus, 'spontaneously combust just because I told you to' is an oxymoron because the fact that I told you to do it negates the spontaneity of your combust…ing. Combusting? No, combustion. Negates the spontaneity of your combustion.**

_Moony, are you okay? You're kinda red in the face._

**Oh, he's just upset because he realized that I was right and he was wrong. It's a traumatizing experience for him. He was so used to holding his bookishness over me that when I turned the tables on him he couldn't handle it.**

**_I am still here, you know._**

**Oh, I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you were going into shock. Well, now that we're finished arguing about…whatever that was, maybe we could talk about that thing where you think I'm ignoring you or something?**

**_It's nothing, leave it alone._**

****

_He means that you and James have always been best friends and you guys tend to leave us out of stuff._

**_Wormtail, does the phrase, 'I'm telling you this in confidence' mean absolutely nothing to you?_**

****

**We don't leave you out of stuff.**

****

_Yes, you do._

**_Not on purpose, I'm sure, but you do._**

****

**No, we don't! Prongs and I always include you in everything! Don't we, Prongs?**

Lily's hair is v. shiny. I wonder what it smells like?

**You aren't going to help me with this at all, are you?**

I read in one of my mother's magazines that soaking in a bath of equal parts rose petals, honey, and milk makes your skin luminous, sweet smelling, and soft to the touch. Do you think I should do that?

**James, I am not helping you get honey and rose petals out of your arse again.**

_Again? You mean to say this happened before?_

**Well, not always with honey, milk, and rose petals, but yeah. More times than I would like to admit, actually.**

_See, you didn't include us in that._

**_Er, I don't want to be included in that._**

****

**_--------------------------------_**

****

**_v. Lemurs and Linguistics_**

****

Hey, does anyone know the difference between 'spells' and 'charms'?

**There's a difference?**

Well, obviously, yes, because if there wasn't they would all be called 'spells'. Or 'charms'. The fact that they aren't suggests there's a difference.

**I think it's probably whatever sounds better with the name of the spell.**

Or charm.

**Right, or charm. Like, 'Summoning Spell' doesn't sound nearly as good as 'Summoning Charm', does it? Or—or 'Patronus Spell'?**

**_I am sure there's more to it than that._**

****

**Do not knock my theory, Moony. You don't know the difference between the two, either, you pretentious swot.**

**_I am not a pretentious swot!_**

****

**Yes, you are. If someone asked me to describe you in three words or less the first two would be 'pretentious' and 'swotty'. **

**_If someone asked you to describe me in three words or less, I'm sure they'd want three words recognized by the English language._**

****

**It's my description. I can call you a non word if I want to; that's my prerogative. I could call you…a lemur if I wanted to.**

**_No, you couldn't. 'Lemur' is a noun. You're talking about describing me so you'd need adjectives, like 'charming' and 'attractive' and 'witty'._**

****

**However, you are none of those things so I shall stick with 'pretentious', 'swotty', and 'lemury'.**

'Lemury'? What does that mean?

**It is defined as 'possessing lemur-like qualities'. Like Moony. He possesses lemur-like qualities; thus, he is lemury.**

**_You just made that up._**

****

**No, I didn't.**

**_You did. You're taking liberties with the English language. _**

****

**And if I am?**

**_And people who take liberties with the English language die slow, fiery deaths at the hands of the writers of the _****_Oxford_****_ dictionary. You remember this speech; I gave it to you at least ten times last year._**

****

Ah, yes, the great "Adding the Suffix 'y' to a Word Does Not Make the Resulting Jumble of Letters a Word" debacle. I remember it fondly.

**Moony, if it weren't for people taking liberties with the English language we would still be talking like we were in the Middle Ages. Languages wouldn't exist if people didn't take liberties with them. Look at Latin—most languages are Latin based, yeah?**

**_I am not talking about taking liberties with the Latin language._**

****

**But you're scolding me for something that could, in all likelihood, make me just as revered as Shakespeare—who, if you recall, took liberties with the English language and is widely regarded as a genius. A genius, Moony.**

**_I don't think the fact that you added a 'y' to the word 'lemur' puts you up there with Shakespeare._**

****

**Oh, I beg to differ.**

**---------------------------**

**_vi. The Jan Syndrome_**

****

****

I can't believe I did that.

**Prongs, I swear on my Silver Arrow—you mention your faux pas a gain and I will…I will do something drastic.**

_I don't know about you, Prongs, but those sound like fighting words to me._

**Hey—a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.**

I just…I love her so much, you know?

**Yes, Prongs. I do know. Would you like to know how I know? Because you talk about her constantly.**

**_You mean, it's not because you're omniscient?_**

****

_I know I'm shocked._

**"Oh, Lily is sooooooo beautiful. Oh, Lily has such an amazing smile. Oh, Lily says the most insightful things. Oh, Lily has an incredible chest. Oh, Lily is basically the best shag I've ever had in my entire life, never mind the fact that I've only slept with one other person. Oh, Lily has such a cute nose. Oh, Lily makes the greatest jokes. Oh, Lily eats like cranberry scones are about to be banned. Lily, Lily, Lily!"**

**_….Is someone jealous?_**

****

**SOMEONE IS FED UP! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!**

****

**_Oh, my eyes._**

****

_Padfoot, you know better than to use multiple exclamation points in front of the w-e-r-e-w-o-l-f._

Padfoot, I'm sorry I've been talking about Lily so much lately, it's just that, after what happened on Sunday—

**LATELY, PRONGS? LATELY! Try three years. Three years you've been going on about her, three years I've been listening patiently, offering you advice, hoping you'll get over her eventually, and now I'm beginning to see that it will never ever end and, I'm sorry, but that is distressing. Oh, and I'm sorry, Moony.**

Padfoot.

**What?**

You are a spectacular prat.

**Yes, I think that's fair.**

And I think that's why we work so well together.

**Also fair.**

**---------------------------**

**Notes: **Enjoyable? Worthless drivel? I'd love any kind of feedback.


	2. Eroticism

**Hypothetical Suicides**

_**and other stories**_

**Notes: **Hey, I wrote some stuff. I know you weren't expecting this. I only posted, like, eight months ago, this is too soon. But, you know, the muse strikes when it strikes. I can't help that, and I can't help the strain I've just put on your poor little heart so do not ask. That's not all me. If you're anything like me, a great deal of that is McDonald's and Krispy Kreme.

Have fun, remember that I do love you all dearly (even if the aforementioned muse doesn't) and I do still read reviews, so don't think I won't notice if you don't leave one. ;)

-----

_**i. Eroticism**_

**Moony.**

_**Yes, Padfoot?**_

**We are entering our third hour of listening to Binns dissect the Warlock Convention of 1843. **

_**That seems about right, yes.**_

**Am I dying? I think I'm dying.**

_**You are not dying. Pay attention. Maybe if you did you'd find something of interest--**_

**Check my pulse.**

_**Your pulse is fine. **_

**Feel it. I think it's erratic.**

_Your pulse is erotic?_

**Go away. I am not in the mood for your childish antics.**

_**You made that same joke three days ago.**_

**I have matured considerably since then. It is not my fault if Wormtail has not made the same progression. **

_**You've matured, you say?**_

**Considerably. Yes.**

_**So...when you replaced James's toothpaste with Super Sticky Stuff this morning, effectively preventing him from opening his mouth for at least 14 hours...that was a display of your newfound maturity?**_

**Nah. I'm trying to teach him to breathe through his nose.**

**----------**

_**ii. Backtalk**_

**I'm bored. Someone needs to entertain me.**

_**Why are you giving this to me? It's not my turn. I did it on Wednesday.**_

**Wormtail, you entertain me. You haven't done it in a while. **

_You're forgetting Monday. _

**What did you do on Monday? I don't remember Monday.**

_**That's unsurprising; you slept through most of it.**_

**So I would certainly remember whatever it is Wormtail did to entertain me, wouldn't I? I don't, so it must have been supremely underwhelming. **

_I drew you a comic._

**Not ringing any bells, I'm afraid. **

_You remember!_

**I most certainly do not. **

_I drew you on the beach with Irina Halifax...you were wearing little purple shorts and drank out of a coconut..._

**Ah, yes, now I remember. That was a terrible, terrible comic, Wormtail. **

_You said you liked it._

**I lied. It was an insult to cartoonists everywhere. Charles Schulz would have slit his wrists out of shame upon coming into contact with that piece of garbage. I should confiscate anything in your possession that could possibly be used as a writing utensil―pens, sticks, your fingers―so as to prevent an atrocity like that from ever happening again. I'm not going to do that, however, because I'm rather fond of you, Wormtail, your total lack of artistic talent notwithstanding. Which is why I'm going to give you a chance to redeem yourself. **

_Oh, you'd best not be trifling with me, Padfoot! My heart would simply break if you told me I would never be able to stroke your ego again!_

**I'm getting a little tired of your lip, Wormtail.**

**-------**

_**iii. Apology**_

Okay, tell me if this sounds good: "Lily―I am sorry that I threw up on your shoes."

_**A promising start.**_

Really? It's good?

_**That's not all you have, is it?**_

Well, so far.

"_**Lily, I'm sorry I threw up on your shoes"? That is your heartfelt apology?**_

You said that I needed to acknowledge the problem and then admit that I was wrong to do it and apologize for it. I did that.

_**The problem was not that you threw up on her shoes! The problem was that you showed up at her birthday party completely pissed, embarrassing her (not to mention yourself, surely) in front of her family. She had to carry you up the stairs herself and stay up with you to ensure that you didn't choke on your own vomit and die. On her birthday.**_

I suppose.

_**You suppose?**_

I wasn't that drunk. She exaggerates.

**Prongs, she said you introduced yourself as King Henry VIII. **

I call myself that all the time.

**No. You don't.**

Sure, I do.

**No, Prongs. You don't.**

In my head, maybe.

**Do yourself a favor and be quiet.**

Oh, so you're tetchy with me, too?

**I am not tetchy.**

You are tetchy.

**Do not make me say 'tetchy' again, Prongs, or I will be forced to gouge your eyes out with a paring knife and then proceed to fashion earrings out of them.**

Cor, that'd be weird.

**Do you want to die?**

I am trying to lighten the mood!

_**It's not the time, Prongs, that's all. We are trying to help you.**_

I know that; I'm not four.

_**Lily is extraordinarily angry with you.**_

I know. She's my girlfriend. I had to listen to her screaming at me about how I'm irresponsible and immature and...a whole bunch of other adjectives that start with 'i'.

_**She's not out of line there, Prongs.**_

Whose side are you on!

_**There is no side. She's trying to help you. **_

No, she's not. She's just upset because I 'ruined her party' or whatever, but she's the one who drove me to the bottle.

**That is your defense, Prongs? **

It's not a defense, it's true! Lily—when she gets nervous about something, she transfers her anxiety onto other people. I wasn't nervous about meeting her family before she started giving me these big long lectures about things I wasn't allowed to do or say in front of them and telling me which relatives would probably hate me even if I didn't do the things she told me not to and then she made me change four times and she put glue in my hair to try to make it lie flat and they weren't having a cake and I just...needed a drink. I've never felt like I needed a drink before. So, yes, I drank a little. But only because if I didn't I would be forced to go on a killing spree.

_**Did you tell her that? **_

Yes. And she said that I sounded like an alcoholic.

_**Well, she's not exactly out of line there, either.**_

--------

_**iv. Paranoia**_

Wormtail.

_Yes?_

Is that you that smells like gardenia?

_It may be._

Well, I know it isn't Padfoot; he always smells like one type of crude oil or another.

**I do not smell like crude oil. I smell masculine.**

Masculinity, then, smells distinctly of petroleum. And I know Moony doesn't smell like gardenia because he smells like dust. So it must be you, because there are only so many people in this library and I can't smell the others because they're far away.

_Ah. Well, I suppose I can't argue with such evidence._

May I ask why you smell like gardenia?

_You may._

Why do you smell like gardenia?

_No real reason._

How about a fake one?

_You've always been so clever, Prongs._

Answer the question, ignore the way I phrased it.

_**Why are you being so aggressive in your questioning, Prongs?**_

He smells like Lily.

_Lots of girls smell like Lily._

You are not a girl!

**Prongs, this is ridiculous. Do you honestly think Lily would chose to do the dirt on you with Wormtail?**

_Why wouldn't she?_

**Oh, Wormtail.**

_Are you saying she's out of my league?_

_**No one is out of your league, Wormtail. Prongs, if Wormtail wants to smell like gardenia, that is his decision and you should respect it.**_

**I wasn't even saying that!**

_Yes, you were!_

**Well, that's true, I was. But Lily wouldn't do the dirt on you anyway, James. So you can stop being such a paranoid freak.**

I am not paranoid.

**You are! I don't know what it is with you lately, but if anyone else even talks to her you go into a strop.**

That is an unfounded accusation and I resent it!

**Unfounded! I asked her if I could borrow a quill yesterday and you slapped me! **

You were being cheeky.

**I said, "Lily, may I borrow a quill?" How is that cheeky?**

It was the way you said it.

**And how did I say it?**

You know.

**Humor me.**

You did that—that eyebrow thing.

**...You mean, that thing where I have eyebrows? Because I do that an awful lot, it'd be fairly difficult for me to pick out one specific instance.**

_**Prongs, you must admit you sound a tad...**_

What, Moony? I sound a tad what?

_**Well, crazed. But I mean that in the best possible way. **_

You did an eyebrow thing, Padfoot, and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

**Oh, let's just get this over with. James, I am not after your girlfriend. I may have inadvertently flirted with her at one point or another, but I have flirted with everyone at one point or another. It means nothing. I am not interested in her. I don't even want a girlfriend right now.**

I didn't say you wanted a girlfriend. But you have said that girls with boyfriends are the best girls to go after because their boyfriends deal with all their emotional crap and you get to fool around with them.

**Oh, hell, James, is that what this is about? **

This is not about anything.

**James, that was my big theory when I was in, what, fourth year? When I didn't actually know anything about girls? I read it in a magazine somewhere; it was almost totally baseless. It doesn't change the fact that I am not interested in Lily. **

What about you, Wormtail?

_I'm sorry. I stopped paying attention. _

**Just say no.**

_No._

Then why do you smell like gardenia, Wormtail?

**  
**


End file.
